michelevgreen Every time I go to Intellicast to check the weather, I mistype it as “intellicats” — which seems like it would be a more interesting site
SaraJOY DIAPER, Y U NO CHANGE YOURSELF?
MeganBoley Benton is all, “Hey, Imagunna try stomach sleeping for the first time in 9 months. It’s fun. Until I wake up crawling. I’m a weirdo!”
SaraJOY This solid food stuff is too much work. Can’t I just nurse them ’til they’re 3 & hand ‘em a burger?
michelevgreen Hubby’s phone autocorrected the phrase “the baby ate a lot of oatmeal” to “the baby ate a lot of goat meat.” Might be my fav of all time
Depcrestwood If I had to describe the guy who just walked past me in two words, those two words would be “weed jesus”
TemerityJane Sheldon’s jingling rabies tag is going to be the death of me. I keep half-drifting off to sleep and jerking back awake. “SANTA??”
keli_h why is there a “no gas day” group on facebook? makes no sense to me. it is also known as “stranded car day” or “get gas the day before day”
jimmycarr Morning. Here’s a house that looks like Hitler. You’re welcome.http://plixi.com/p/87787960
Shinga_the_Jedi “Mac or PC?” I swing both ways, baby. But just so we’re clear, I only experiment with Linux when I’m drunk and want attention.
thegrumbles I blow your face up.
anymommy Left chili I defrosted for dinner sitting in the sink all night. Microbiology is more religion than science, right? I mean, I can’t see it.
michelevgreen Actual texts Hubby’s talk-to-text sent me this AM: Matthew: just buckle current. Matthew: did not say that. Matthew: taco her hand
TemerityJane Is it out of context conference session tweets season again already?
Crunchynurse I need the guy from Karate Kid to make J. pick up his coat off the floor and hang it on a hook, repeatedly, for a number of hours.
the818 Why is it that when my dog farts, it’s like I’m eating it for breakfast? How do those canine bungholes permeate like that?
nataliejanette I had a dream that my phone got wet, so I put it in a bowl of rice. When I came back to check it, the rice was cooked & had peas & carrots.
BrunnerCircus I saw someone using a pay phone today. In other news… I had no idea that pay phones still existed.
thegrumbles Showering with a bulldog is always unexpected.
kch I propose a most amazing trade-off: Everyone adopts the US power plug standard, and the US adopts the fucking metric system. Everyone wins.
DaddyFiles I fully plan to will myself back to health using nothing but positive thought and NyQuil. Big N, small y BIG MOTHERFUCKING Q!
Mom101 Toddlers with British accents are cuter than puppies. Cuter than puppies with British accents too.
zhandlen Stephen Sondheim, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and William Shatner were all born today. And we still don’t have a goddamn STAR TREK musical.
michelevgreen Hubby informed me a contractor is coming to fix our fence “sometime” today. This really disrupts my not-wearing-pants plans for the day
MeganBoley I think I just had an oh-my-gah-I-am-a-mom moment after that tweet. “what is this meme? Dern kids? These is jokes?”
swonderful me: what’s this movie called? luke: natalie portman
TheNextMartha I’m filtering the word “snow” out of my stream. The word denial is welcome to stay.
milonguera Today Joaquin and I ate about 12 mandarins or clementines or whatever those dainty little oranges are called.
thek8escape I’ve decided that if I had a superpower, it would be to make babies sleep.
ordermeanother Why is there no milkshake delivery service?
PensieveRobin Dark chocolate peanut M&Ms: colorful afternoon vitamins.
sarahbartlett Morning again? Balls.
TemerityJane Don’t know how, but I’ve managed to log into Friendster & am now texting my sister pics of herself saying “HAHA YOU USED TO DRESS LIKE THIS”
MrsFreestyle Walking three 100+ lb dogs, while 4 mo’s pregnant, & wearing a 20lb toddler on your back is not as easy as it sounds.
CrunchyVTMommy Dear Jesus, Allah, God, Superman or whomever is in charge tonight, please let my babies sleep until 10 am. Sound good? Thanks so much.
ecsuperhero In fact, it might even be in the Constitution. It’d be unpatriotic to not put Kahlua in my coffee right now. God Bless America.
bigcitybelly However, it was amusing to see a drunk girl fall off the curb outside my place and still keep her cell phone to her ear.
alwysabridesmd Oh boy I hope what I’m chewing is lobster.
thek8escape The dishwasher fairy didn’t come last night. Bummerrrr.
michelevgreen I wonder if Dora’s fantastic world of singing creatures is a psychological cover-up for a grim, unbearable reality a la Pan’s Labyrinth
foldinglaundry Parents: please teach your kids to not be assholes. Plain and simple.
babyrabies Driving through rural TX, we get a whiff of cow manure. Kendall proclaims, “smells like daddy’s poopy!”
goodgoogs Late pregnancy is not realising you’ve had a marshmallow stuck to your belly for the best part of an hour
apocalypstick I’m a feminist, but these heavy boxes aren’t going to move themselves.
PBinmyHair Text I just got from my husband “do you know how to use the craigslist”
mommyboots I would like all of the chocolate today, please.
FamilySizedFun i bought 3 sticky rollers and i am giving up lint for lent.
foldinglaundry Noah was just naming mountains: Mount Fuji, Mount Everest and Mount Tin Dew. OMG, DYING.
michelevgreen Slow cooker came with a strange giant rubber band. After trying to affix it to multiple parts of the machine I discover it’s a “lid holder”
lindseyivory Is it a coincidence that fat tuesday and women’s day are the same? Oh the irony (and doughnuts…oh the doughnuts!)
exlibris Just tried to text my MIL on a calculator.
neilcole I love Guinness, but if anyone tells you it’s “good for you” – NO! That’s broccoli. They’re thinking of broccoli
DaddyFiles Gary Busey is praying for Charlie Sheen? Ouch. That’s crazy-person-on-crazy-person crime right there.
thek8escape Joe: I bet if you name any state in the union, I can name the capital. Me: Nebraska. Joe: … dammit.
CrunchyVTMommy My 19mo son calls woodpeckers – peckersons and I think it’s freaking hilarious!
LordStewie when I die I want to be cremated and put into an Etch-a-Sketch
FeministBreeder Quickies were invented by parents. Definitely.
AmberStrocel A spammer is offering me tips on how to find a thoughtful wife. So I have that going for me.
cynthiaboaz I just found someone’s to-do list at the bottom of a shopping cart. “Saturday- Shutterbug, Michael’s Art Supplies, harvest pot.”
unxpctdblessing It’s no longer “I missed that memo.” It’s now “I missed that tweet.”
TychoBrahe When my mother felt something was particularly untrue, she’d say it was a “lie from the pit of hell.” This struck me as needlessly dramatic.
DaddyFiles I was thinking: instead of going to work today how about drinking heavily & taking up smoking again? Feels like one of those days.
michaelfranti The national debt is $14,128,618,456,347.92 – can we stop worrying about gay marriage now?
ecsuperhero I swear too much. But since I make no effort to stop it, I’ll just say that a filthy mouth can be an endearing quality for some. Like me
If you think these are funny, check out my inspiration, The Little Big. She created the Follow Friday Blog Meme and posts her favorite tweets every Friday. Tears from laughter I tell you. TEARS!