Inspired by Little Big’s Follow Friday blog posts, I started keeping track of my favorite tweets. I blogged a bunch of them a few times. Then didn’t.
And they built up.
So, here you go. Epic hilarity from Christmas to the Oscars.
Athenabee I wish I knew how much of my problem is sleep deprivation and how much of it is natural crazy.
exlibris Me: “I just saw to skeeter-eaters doin’ it.” A: “Don’t be weird.”
swonderful @MeganBoley @milonguera i am the opposite of a coffee snob. if it makes me shaky and want to vacuum, i am in.
sarahbartlett Just got pooped on. #milestones
looneytunes I was having a crappy morning. Then I realized I could be Charlie Sheen’s publicist.
mommywantsvodka Saw today that 7-11 now has a Slurpee flavor called “Purple For The People” which must taste like victory and unicorns.
MeganBoley Beware of bulls and rogue escalators apparently.
FreddyAmazin I don’t have bad handwriting, i just have my own font.
PetCobra You know which king didn’t stutter or cry? Aragorn, motherfuckers.
keelymarie What if Oprah started yelling “you get an Oscar. And You get an Oscar and YOU get an Oscar” #Oscar
redneckmommy My children just asked how I have been able to predict every winner so far. It’s the magic of twitter & pausing the dvr so it’s 1 min behind
PeterGriffinn You: What fucks like a tiger and winks? Them: I don’t know You: *wink at them*
TheQuoteBoy Dear McDonalds, Thank you for not serving hotdogs. I dont think I could order a super-sized McWeiner with a straight face.
LordStewie I went to the store to buy a “Where’s Waldo” book and couldn’t find it. Well played Waldo, well played.
keli_h solo parenting is easier with wine and netflix. #justsaying
LordStewie “K” Oh, would you like some fries with that conversation killer?
Sewsillyleigh If I type mommies into twitter on echophon, iPhone autocorrects it to ninnies. *giggles*
MamaKatypie DH has convinced himself that DH means “dumb husband” & is offended & sad. “I’m a sensitive tulip.” Maybe DSH is better: dumb stupid husband
shellipants Let’s see how many spam comments I can get. iphone! Fart! Sexy singles in my area! Parenting! Vacation!
michelevgreen There HAS to be a reason that Target puts Starbucks stands right at the entrance. Caffeine fueled spending mania is a dangerous thing.
sarahbartlett Backwards reading at good not I’m
DaddyFiles I’ll know the economy has turned around when my wife buys the thick, soft toilet paper instead of Scott’s thin, ass-ruining sandpaper.
exlibris Just sneezed about fifteen times in a row. Hoo boy. Somebody get me a cigarette.
Mammywoo Either my belt has gone in the washing machine by accident or there is a gun fight taking place in my kitchen.
GreenEnough4Me #epicmeltdown We don’t have any carrots and Bubba won’t be able to see in the dark at bedtime.
FreddyAmazin When you recieve My Angry Text I want you to know that it was typed it with my Middle Finger.
OMyFamily Hi, my name is Allison and I get disappointed when nap only lasts an hour. (…hiiiii, Allison…)
thecorbettkid i just witnessed the 18mo pull dh’s bookmark out of his book… and now i’m pretending i didn’t see anything.
ecsuperhero Even though Alan Rickman is 65, I’d totally make out with him. Especially if he talked like Snape.
milonguera Me: Something smells good. Wonder what that is and who’s making it!? Smarter Me: You. Rosemary Chicken. Crock pot. Geez.
Trip_Hazzard I’ve just felt a disturbance in the Force, must be time to take the washing out of the tumble dryer
DontSpkWhinese Thin mints, tagalongs, whiskey and sarcasm is how I roll right now.
shellipants Explaining opposites to a 4yr old is a pain in the ass.
SethMacFarlane My day would be a lot better if I stumbled across an enchanted staff carved from the horn of a unicorn
JoeHostile Don’t be a useful idiot. #education
exlibris Sometimes I get so sick of FOX News I just want to gay-marry an illegal immigrant’s abortion. Communist-style
thegrumbles something something something, complain about how much work i have to do, something something something, die.
exlibris I think @pinterest needs a “hump” button. “Like” doesn’t cover it
Athenabee I’mma poke my brain with a Q-tip REALLY hard if it doesn’t start behaving.
keli_h i just walked by our huge front window with a hand pump hanging off my boob. oh hai, trash guys. #yourewelcome
keli_h i’m pumping. #mentalpicturesontwitter
Cre8BeautyDaily Catching up on Twitter every morning is like taking a class called, “All The Reasons Babies Won’t Sleep And How Crazy It Makes The Moms.”
marlatiara It’s not drinking alone IF I HAVE TWITTER.
mommywantsvodka Also: I want the MOVIEFONE guy to announce things in my house. “HELLO AND WELCOME TO YOUR BATHROOM. PRESS ONE TO TAKE A POO.”
foldinglaundry Roses are red, violets are blue, winter is stupid and I want to kill it.
michelevgreen There should be more occupations where a well placed butt-slap is sufficient to say “you did a good job”
callimack @Chookooloonks Except in LOTR, Santa is a badass played by Ian McKellan.
pocketbuddha Dreamt DH & I were attacked by bears we later found out were trained attack bears set to hibernate in our yard & awake on 4/20 to eat us.
xtremeparnthood I want an Angry Birds Boomerang Bird that I can launch through the house at unsuspecting children, my hubby, and the dog. Don’t judge
Cre8BeautyDaily Typing into Google “What’s the difference between” and the first autofill is “peanut butter and jam?” Really, people don’t know this???
2bKate my tiny dictator has decided I’m doing it all wrong today and she is not happy #dancemonkeydance
souphead Fries are the devil’s starchy fingers
michelevgreen H is eagerly awaiting the release of Liam Neeson’s next movie where his family is somehow wronged & now he has a bloodlust for revenge.
swedishpancake DAMN THE MAN. SAVE THE EMPIRE.
babyrabies Who do I have to write to at the #SAHM union to get a mandatory 30 min. lunch break?
babysteph It’s like this snow has something to prove. This blizzard is such a boy.
exlibris HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I do not want what you are selling HOLD UP ARE YOU A GIRL SCOUT disregard please
FreeChildhood My cat is staring intensely at a spot on the ceiling. There’s nothing there. She’s freaking me out
michelevgreen I want some Flintstones Chewable Morphine
ecsuperhero @shellipants @pbinmyhair I also did not have Reese’s when Tommy fell out of my bajingo.
TemerityJane Phil just tried to put out a candle with a can of compressed air. “Oops… ”
letlovegrow If you’re in nwi & just witnessed the fight between my hair & the carwash vaccuum? You’re welcome.
DaddyFiles I don’t care if Justin Bieber offered me an Extreme Home Makeover. I would still disembowel him & stick his head on a pike.
TheFagCasanova #NewShyamalanFilms Title: ‘I Gotcha Nose’ Synopsis: An old grandpa has stolen someone’s nose. Big twist: He hasn’t, it’s just his thumb
wilw Just saw a guy standing on the corner, rockin a closed up golf umbrella like it was a guitar. #hownaturesaysdonottouch
BirthingKristen Pregnancy is like a free boob job. Temporary. But free.
mommygoggles Men are such pansies when they get sick. Try pushing a human out of your hooha, and see how you feel.
babyrabies Dear The Learning Channel (TLC), The word “Learn” called. It wants it’s dignity back
FireWifeKatie Facebook is where I go to talk to the people I know; twitter is where I go to talk *about* the people I know.
thegypsymama When I see parents traveling alone with kids it’s hard not to run up to them and belt out, “YOUUUUU are the champions….!!”
nataliejanette ::type, type, type:: ::delete::
TheNextMartha What’s with the saying “pie in the sky?” I want pie in my mouth. In the sky? Pointless.
mommygoggles I shower naked. How naughty am I? LOL
Dabobie I just looked at a picture of someone’s nachos, and now I want to stuff my head into a vat of cheese & beef.
mommywantsvodka I think we all get that Sarah Palin is kinda dumb. Let’s move onto more interesting topics like, “Why I need a cupcake right now.”
DJJansta Bees. Recreate that wonderful British lifestyle simply by working your arse off day and night while the queen does fuck all.
sbartholomew “I don’t feel I can grow as a person if I stay living at home with you” Teenage angst in Starbucks
KimLiving I need to be much less sober
ecsuperhero Luke woke up in tears, very concerned his penis might fall off due to it not having any glue in it. #boys
wilw OH: “I have my vibrator on.” -60ish woman, referring to her cell phone, which she set to vibrate mode.
makesmilk Asked 6yr old to write list of hamster care rules. Includes ‘no bungee jumping’ and ‘don’t force him to dance’.
TemerityJane When I wear pajama pants all day, I’m just lazy. When I wear yoga pants, I am lazy, but I MIGHT bust out some yoga at any second
makesmilk Things I said today: “No, We are NOT making a maraca out of dried hamster poo.”
MeganBoley I hope this cactus I found today doesn’t offend your delicate sensibilities. #inappropriatecactus http://yfrog.com/h06zfqj
keriwgd @babyrabies Jesus is a crafty escape artist. People are always asking me if I’ve found him. He’s kind of like the ultimate Where’s Waldo
KellyNaturally Yo ho ladyohdaleeho oh oh ladyohdalay yo ho ladyohdaleeho ladyohdaleeholay!
anonyMOMous It bears repeating: It is fawking cold. If you’re looking for the glass cutter, it’s inside my bra. That is all I have to say about that.
WomansWisdom Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert Heinlein
Lord_Voldemort7 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Time waster.
TheBloggess The Most unsettling thing about an empty shrink’s waiting room is that you’re the craziest one there.
chrisblake Just realized laptop spelled backwards is potpal. Hmm.
thegrumbles alright tuesday, you dirty motherfucker, let’s DO this.
CarriBrown Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
becomingsarah Motherhood has made me the keeper of the bananas. AM DELIRIOUS WITH POWER.
MeganBoley Sometimes I get the crazy notion to switch my coffee habit back to a tea habit. Then the little devil on my shoulder laaaaaughs and laughs.
mamaspohr My mouth tastes like balloons. Balloons. That’s a funny word. Balloons. Ballooooons
buriedwithkids Hubby: Oh damn! My wand just exploded. Me: Do you need new pants?
Moms_eyes 5yo: what’s for dinner? Me: pulled pork. 5yo: what’s pork? Me: dead pig. 5yo: awesome…(said in a hushed voice)
DaddyFiles There is a thin person inside of me screaming to get out. But I suffocated that annoying little bastard with my fat rolls.
Hobo_Mama Our child needs to learn the appropriate vowel sound for “beach.”
CrunchyVTMommy A real life version of hungry hungry hippo would be semi awesome
thatkristen I just made all my kitchen cabinets my bitches.
MeganBoley Debating between a trip to target, whole foods, or just dumping money out onto the ground.
cassiethedoula Dominos just called to let me know that they’d be running late. Wow. I can’t even get my husband to do that. #impressed
thegrumbles This one’s all floppy. #ThatsWhatSheSaid
apocalypstick My body actually aches from Wii Fit. Looks like I need Wii Vicodin.
sofawned Things that don’t sound quite right when spoken instead of written: “I need to watch Brokeback again. I could use a good bawl fest.”
TheJulieMarsh @mom101 My in-laws gave Kyle a manicure kit and a head lamp. So that he has groomed nails when he’s mining for coal, I guess.
MeganBoley “what’s benton’s favorite food?”…..”boobs”
BackpackingDad Only old people like the sunrise. 20 somethings know it means the party is over. 30 somethings know it means the baby won’t sleep
Legendjy Im gonna merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT
BackpackingDad The toy aisle is Toddler Vegas
MeganBoley I love getting Christmas cards. I want to pile them on the floor and roll in them while squealing. #christmascardfantasy
cassiethedoula Girl on TeenMom,”the part from when they’re born to 1 year old is the hardest part.” A-hahahaha. HAHAHAHA. Oh. Sweetie.
buriedwithkids Hubby: “That peppermint soap makes my hands smell like I was giving a hand job to a candy cane.”
mommywantsvodka Just walked face first into a broken “automatic” door. Not what I was expecting. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
TheJulieMarsh I just laughed over spilled milk.
_Biscuit_ Do fish pee? If so……gross. #justsayin
wilw Listen up, you goddamn kids: the effects in the original TRON were *not* cheesy. They were state-of-the-art in their time.#oldmanwheaton
foldinglaundry Spam comment left on my blog: “this post calls for a drink!” Hey, OKAY!
AzureSkyyes How does “pick up formula” translate to “love more porn”?#voicerecognitionfail
TheJulieMarsh The peanut butter portion of a batch of buckeyes is chilling. Balls, prepare to be dipped in chocolate. Then you shall meet my ass.
KateHarding I need to leave the house, but SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET.
MeganBoley iPhone changed “crumpets” to “drunkard”
emilychats And also? Used a Neti Pot the first time today. It’s for your nose. Not like, anything else. In case ‘pot’ was confusing.
MarinkaNYC Does Hallmark make a ‘that should have read “indemnification” and not “insemination” ‘ apology card?
creaturecomfort You know you spend too much time on the computer when you’re painting something + your hand does a ‘Command S’ in the air when you are done.
alwysabridesmd OH BOY free cookies in the breakroom. WHY DID I CHOOSE AN OUTFIT WITH NO POCKETS TODAY?
milonguera The people with penises in my house are sleeping. The one without is about to bust out some wine and suck its face. #longday #nopenis
TheNextMartha At drive through. She asked if I wanted to add pie. I replied “Have you seen my ass?” >crickets<
michelevgreen Seriously considering changing the baby’s name from Allison Sarah to Grouchface McTeethingpainz. T-pain for short.
redneckmommy It is really really freakish to watch high definition reality shows on my LED tv. I can see your PORES and nose hairs PEOPLE.
zookeeperjess Totally just “boob tweeted”. You’ve heard of “butt dialing” so think about that for a minute.
shayera @QueenofSpain Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.
SethMacFarlane “Santa is an asshole until he wants something from you.” –Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, in tweet form
Lord_Voldemort7 Mondays make me want to punch the world in the face.
ScaryMommy Ask your young kid to say “specifically.” My daughter has never been so tongue tied.
foldinglaundry There is nothing worse than an ice cold toilet seat. I mean, REALLY.
mommywantsvodka I have a dream. It involves hot dogs. Encased meats, FTW!
babyrabies Fredericks of Hollywood is having a “friends and family” sale. I just find that.. odd.
DExtraordinaire I have found mahjong on facebook. If I keep playing I may find Sunday without even experiencing Saturday.#muststepawayfromcomputersoon
buriedwithkids I flipped the switch to turn the fire place on but instead I guess I am just going to gas my family. What’s the number the the gas company?
windwardskies It’s spelled “Canon”.. if you’re shooting with a Cannon, you’re not a photographer. #missspelledwordoftheday
lawmomma77 Oh hello Friday. It’s about time you got here, you lazy bitch.
CrunchyVTMommy I’d like to start a business but can’t figure out a way to make money eating bacon and kissing puppies.
Moms_eyes Just stopped for gas. 4yo says: “gas for the car isn’t stinky. Stinky gas comes from your butt” #awesome
ScaryMommy My daughter just brought me a check she wrote out for $100000. The subject? “Alowins.” I’m in big trouble
exlibris Just remembered that Patric Stewart was knighted. I’m going to have to swear on Sir Baby Picard Jesus from now on.#sirbabypicardjesus
rabidcat Hmm. The nail polish I picked seems to be less Holiday Cheer and more How Much for a BJ
OMyFamily @GreenEnough4Me Hogs? Hogs?!?! Nice auto-correct, phone. I was going for “things”
exlibris I WANT A CONNECTION SO FAST THAT THINGS DOWNLOAD BEFORE I REALIZE I WANT THEM. #makeitso
TheNextMartha I wish I was a foodie. Surely one could whip something up with canned pumpkin, canellini beans, and enchilada sauce.
buriedwithkids Every time I even think about using power tools to do something to the house, an unexpected hole appears in the wall and there is an injury
TemerityJane I’m going to start my own 1-900 number, but it won’t be for sex, it will be for SAH-wives/moms to call & speak to other adults.
MarinkaNYC I don’t want to say that my husband takes a long time to cook dinner, but if he were preparing The Last Supper, Jesus would still be alive.
ApocalypseHow Notice you don’t hear a lot of hymns devoted to the Toddler Jesus.
MyKidsSccrMom You know ur cat is fat when she lays down and resembles an animal skin rug….
FreeChildhood I seriously just looked up pesky in the dictionary because it looks SO FUNNY typed, I was momentarily convinced I made it up. #losingit
exlibris My iPhone wanted to change “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to “Urdu Burst Spider.” I really don’t want to play that game, thanks.
If you think these are funny, check out my inspiration, The Little Big. She created the Follow Friday Blog Meme and posts her favorite tweets every Friday. Tears from laughter I tell you. TEARS!